Some destruction is beautiful It weaves it's way throughout our lives A fire burning across hilltops Cleansing, purifying the earth Upturning old soil Turning hundreds of years of trees to ash Some destruction is beautiful The way you hold down my hands down when you kiss my neck Destroying my fear Destroying my past As your lips trail downwards I lay quietly Patiently waiting for the beautiful destruction to come
Dear Father
Dear Father, I felt like destroying something beautiful So I took out my soul And I let you have it as your punching bag
Play Pretend
Let’s play pretend We are children playing in the sun Me swaddled in a gingham dress You toddling about in baby shorts Just for a moment I am ok again Everything is calm, and I am not crumbling Is it me you love or my ruins? The ruins of the day I toddled about in the sunshine Or is it hope that I’ll be ok one day? If I was ok would you still love me? These are questions that haunt my thoughts Because I am irrational, messy Because it isn’t nightmares that wake me up at 3 in the morning, It is the thought that Oh god, You to are going to leave me
Comfortable Concequences
Every time I am comfortable I am met only with consequences, I told you too much and you were gone in a matter of seconds I’m sorry I honestly told you I was damaged But people buy fixer upper houses all the time Why must I still lay desolate People only visit for a day, a night, a week Never much longer My eyes are a bothersome leaking faucet My mouth a flickering light My body a crumbling foundation The for sale sign outside is sun-bleached, it’s aluminum legs wrapped in ivy Boys who were supposed to build me up only through stones through my glass boundaries This is my consequence, which I have found comfort My issue is not being able to discern comfort from home Every time I feel home, I am reminded that I am the only one I have
Before and After
Kisses don’t fix broken bones ‘I’m sorrys’ don’t fix broken hearts It’s pretty damn simple We are hurt and 911 can’t fix it No doctor can stitch up the shattered pieces of my soul lodged in my chest cavity I have to put that cast around my own heart and sign it They have to be wrong Please let everyone be wrong Every time I cry my parents ask me if I need to go to the hospital No, inpatient doesn't have the magic fix to kill my demons When I cry I’m just trying to drain the pool they never stop trying to drown me in You can’t expect someone who is terrified of herself, to never cry Your kisses aren’t worth shit now You weren’t there before and I will not allow you to be there after
I am in desperate need of myself
I am in desperate need of myself I need my own arms to be strong enough to hold my glass body I need to be able to hold my own hand Before I ever forsake another for holding theirs I need my own heart to not crumple like the million sad girl poems I have written I need my mind to be able to balance on my bipolar tightrope I have always looked to others to give me strength But I gave up on myself, for myself I stayed strong so long in hopes that you would see that I needed you ‘ But now you're gone And I have finally realized that I need myself more than I need you
Copper
I found a piece of copper wire today And I wrapped it around my middle finger So I will be healed from something the same color as your hair The hair of the man who destroyed me
Addicted
I have finally realized it Your lips tasted like cigarettes and bourbon It's no wonder I got addicted
Haze
My bestfriend sings a song about her best friend in the hospital and it takes me a moment to realize she means me The chords remind me that she cried for me amongst the faceless mass of our anonymous, all knowing town that is a face that knows you but you only barely recognise I call him first, before anyone else I call him because bless this boy he still loves me, he says this 12 times before I say goodbye, which he refuses simply with a see you soon It is simply complicated how much and in the ways I love these two people To an extent I could never tell them, to an extent I can write them this poem and tell them I love you more than I love you I am sorry more than I’m sorry You both kissed my nose and forgave me even as it was used as an accomplice in my addiction it was the artist that drew on a mirror with a razor blade with little white lines that looked too much like my waist at times He kissed my lips even though he knew that I had lied to him with the same exact ones He held my hand even though I had used the same ones to hurt myself, thus hurting him She told me she loved me even though I hurt her She held my shaking half seized body with hurt in her eyes but selflessness in her actions I held on because they loved me back in the same different continuum that is love I loved her like I loved music I loved him like I loved the setting sun Not more or less but differently I sent her to haze, I sent him to hell And he walked out of the flames with a bucket of water to extinguish my fire She walked out of the haze with a new song just for me It is my everything, these two beings not being my whole reason for life but being a part of it and making it worth living
Happy Birthday
Your tongue is just another piece of birthday cake for me to throw up
Medusa
I am Medusa Born in the year of the snake My eyes will stop you dead in your tracks I hope to strike fear in your weak heart
Snakes twist over my dreadlocked scalp Into your pretty mouth Fragile vertebrae crushed with your satin teeth
I am Medusa I will be beheaded For turning these sickly humans into sculptures of grace
I am Medusa
Not Your Average Love Poem
I’m rotting I’m a rotting carcass with pale skin and shaky hands I’m in love with anything that hurts me And that tends to be boys with pretty eyes
I’m falling apart I’m falling apart and my fingers twitch in old addictive habits I hate all of my friends They are all shallow and They don’t know
I’m decaying I’m decaying every moment my skin is in oxygen I don’t think anything can heal me at this point Humans are my nicotine patches that make everything ok until they are gone And they are always gone too soon
It’s beautiful people like you that make me question whether I want to be ripped apart Or be loved
And in this moment I want you to destroy me
Hyperactivity
My throat hurts form screaming myself to sleep in silence I melt at 4:45 into dreamless and restless sleep But if I did dream it would be of your lips taking the slow drags from the very same thing you told me to would ruin my pretty face
It was today when I told you I was sorry for the person who used to love you That she was too pitiful But my secret is that I still share her heart It was your smile under the fluorescent lights that made me fall back again
I am currently thrashing at the surface pretending that I don't hate myself for not hating you I want to pretend that you weren’t the best terrible thing that happened in my life But I can still feel the blood dripping down the hotel room tub, while I heard you tell me through my phone that I didn’t love myself enough for you to love me back
When I get nostalgic I think of the nights when you called me at 3 am and I went and laid outside to tell you what the stars looked like And you did the same I like the stars from your patio Much better than the dead field that I layed in
I remember fucking everything I hate that I remember you
But I would never choose to forget
Skin
Over exposed a slut Underexposed a prude My only purpose in life is to serve you
Because of my age I can’t legally be considered a human And because my gender is dictated by a male I am denied a female
In my own skin I am ashamed That I’m not what you want me to be Sitting in my prison With scented lotion to sooth its decay
My age is shoved down my throat beside the toothbrush that makes my stomach empty And every magazine that put it there Every model that told me how to be beautiful How to be a conformity Manufactured with blue eyes blonde hair all the desirable assets And how to be invisible
Because in this world as a girl The pursuit of happiness is dollars on a stripper pole Without a man by my side How am I to succeed by myself? I am put on a pedestal far away from science, math and anything else I might ruin Because my place is in the kitchen
My smile has been taxed with flavored lip gloss Since the age of 6 The crinkle in my eyes that only happens when I smile Is lined with black poison Because I don’t think I am Trivially beautiful
I wear velvet duct tape across my mouth Soft enough to kiss you But harsh enough To silence my plea
Every sale That tells me I can buy beautiful in a shade of eyeshadow Which might as well be a glue stick It holds my mouth shut just as well
I feel degradation through every contact lens Under your microscope I am imperfect Because your microscope sees only my prison cells
We need to teach our women how to be Not what to be And I do not speak of tutorials on how to be invisible I talk only of the beauty that doesn’t come off with makeup wipes
Because if I would have known That the vomit was optional I would have chosen my sanity
118
Advertised illness Not treatment Bulimia so that you are barbie Crumbling smile Shaking fingers Oh honey your figure I am sorry my waist is not the same size as my head full of air Misplace a bobby pin and I might fly away Like a rocket soaring towards the clouds Sacrifice my intelligence for designer oblivion At least it looks good in the eyes of our critics Critics that paint their faces with mirrors So who is it looking back at you You We are our own critics More so self-abusers Because the moment we gash our face we must cover it with the cocaine powder The powder that clogs our pores and fills our faces with false beauty that comes off with tears Close your eyes and don’t look when I am not wearing my mask God forbid you see my eyes Aquamarine the color of seafoam after a hurricane A beautiful hurricane Without the mascara Perfect in every flaw Lips the color of flesh not roses Blanket our teeth that are slightly askew Skinny with sadness The correlation between my heart and my stomach is immeasurable Fidgeting with my fingers so I can touch the shell I live in as to acknowledge the fact that it’s there We’re all just hermit crabs denying the fact that we live in shells Shells that aren’t comfortable and three sizes too small Because our size should be a number more negative than the mirror that calls me names You can cover your face but you cannot put makeup on a beautiful soul Because you are so goddamn beautiful whether you believe it or not So stop throwing magazines in my hands And your scale at my feet Because I am much more than the number 118
Ghastly
I should not have to ask myself what is wrong today I should not check my pulse whenever someone ignores me to see if I am still alive Because I wouldn’t question if I was told I was a ghost I think that if I look in a mirror, I start to fade
I listen to music that is older than my parents Who the fuck thinks this is living when every second I am closer to death The inevitable that is an obsession, not of mine I think of the quiet dignity in existing That people don’t acknowledge unless they realize they are dying
I float around from piece to piece of fallen land slick with blood I sunbathe on beaches laden with swollen corpses from boat wreckage I eat dinner with murder victims that don’t know yet
Death is a big human secret shunned for it’s finality Because in a world where till death do us part isn’t final Finality is taboo
The stars are falling
Idols fall Your mother, your best friend someone who screams their suicide note into your earbuds in a language you only understand at 3:00 in the morning when you scream the same way
The stars that leave craters in our precious condemning planet Are only considered beautiful when they are still in the sky The same with people Except for when they are in the sky they are the clouds that you lay on your back in the middle of december in hopes they are still as pretty as in july
They never are
I am a December cloud I am grey and cold and kiss the planet with my own cremated body
I am what you complain about until the stars come out I am ignored when the stars are falling
I hope the stars fall Because I like the distraction from my own body Which of course is a nuisance Because I mean I am I am somehow wronging you by existing in the sky when you wish it was 83 fucking degrees With popsicles and heart shaped sunglasses Instead of bloody noses from injuries sustained just from staying inside In December
Raw
The way you left me was open Bloody gashes across my arteries With my dying moments I painted in my own red A mural of your lips so that you could taste my cherry soda plasma I can’t say the let go wasn’t great, the way that I was dispersed across the world My blood met yours and yours met mine They said hello and fell in love The blue of your lips kissed my frigid circulation of the same color My shaky hands that tried to light the cancer between your lips to help you escape Nothing in death could hurt you as much as life has Hell is the war, the poverty, the guns that our young run around with as toys teaching them to shoot before they know how to talk Raw is the icy sand storm that has taken our skin Peeled it away with excruciating pain But left everything inside Essentially everything Because the body is only a vessel for our soul The flower vase for the roses that can make you smile or bleed And leave you open Open to the possibility of raw
Heartbreak Seizure
I beg for a temporary neutral I beg for a temporary drawl in the uncertainty
It’s selfish of you to smile Because you think of my body as your doll I apologize for my storm that drifts above But you have a umbrella And I love the rain
Honestly I miss it The flutter in my stomach Instead of this heartbeat seizure Instead of twitching eyes shining in the glory of Your ability to break me down Circus act at this point
I have to say that I hate Every man that I date I’m simply addicted to having melancholy’s kisses My clothing obviously talks better than my mouth If it can give you the permission that you require to defile
I know better I have always known better My heart hurts better than a razor when it comes to self harm
If existing makes me a tease Maybe then you’re the reason I don’t want to
Honestly I miss you The flutter in my stomach Not this heartbeat seizure Instead of twitching eyes shining in the glory of Your ability to break me down Circus act at this point
I was not created for amusement I was not created to be only a sum of the “desirables” Which I am thoroughly confused as to why my brain is not included
Honestly I miss it The flutter in my stomach Instead of this heartbeat seizure Instead of twitching eyes shining in the glory of Your ability to break me down Circus act at this point
Hands Up
The first time we raised our fingertips toward the sky was when the teacher told us to ask permission when we question And that “invaluable” questions were discarded because they belonged to invaluable people We tried raising them higher Squirming so you could see us But I was not deemed worthy of an answer To why I couldn’t receive an answer
The second time we raised our hands was to block the fists Because we were misfit Into the system that we were haphazardly tossed tossed into At five And our existence somehow wronged you Our frailties begged for your lack of mercy And the galaxy bruises across our skin
The third time we raised our hands was to cover our eyes Because the bombs kissed the pristine landscape That we will never see Because taboo is taboo No matter the moral No matter the horrors
The fourth time we raised our hands was walking home from 9th grade When the officer screamed Because color incorrect A 15 year old is an oblivious threat
We never raised our hands again Not to fight For everything we were told was wrong Not to ask a question Because those were are not worthy of being called upon Not because a policeman said so Because we resided behind bars Not to block a punch Not that they didn’t come But our arms were crossed over our chest embalmed synthetic peaceful So we just learned to love The different kind of miserable
Because we adapted to the silk sofa that we plug our minds into We’ve adapted to nuclear bombs Rising death tolls We’ve adapted To the smile across the lips of those who own us Hands up
Mystery Lips
I have always had adoration for those whose lips are a forest Mysterious and hiding the pearly tomb stones that were entangled in barbed wire Your dark woods hide every beautiful thing uttered from a soft tongue But your eyes Twisted branches to form eyelashes across the lids of my love Roots go through your fingers that pluck the strings of a broken heart Who’s strings belong to the battered stray cat Ribbons of faded color from the wronged past Your jaw was crafted of titanium so that your smile will never falter The raven of the pupils shows the dark you have been through The crimson of your blood tells me of what harm has become To your precious blood The brown of your eyes reminds me so of the soil in which you grew The love in your heart reminds me of what love I have lost And everything more so to find In the soil we will melt into as time wears everything but your beauty Hearts pound their affirmed smile into the ground that houses the dead The ground that cradles our memories The ground that keeps us from falling In love
But the sky Keeps us from believing in the ground we are so grown in And damn you gravity for you have restrained me from from taking my love and flying above
Morphine Daydreams
Morphine daydreams and injected happiness The only antidote is love But when we are emotionally repressed With the very things they say cure sickness I want to scream I love you until my throat bleeds Because even in the antiseptic hospital where they will sew my mouth shut I know I enlightened someone in need I radiated love for everyone So fill me with ritalin And leave me to live in a synthetic nirvana where my thoughts are more filtered than marlboro reds They defend themselves by making sure you blame yourself
I am not good enough until you say so I’m not good enough until my head is empty and my chest is full Not with a heart, but with a desirable fat A purposefully broken dream that I am to follow? Because the penguin suited men with the power say so? Shattered daydreams from the cops fining my lit cancer stick But was advertised to since I was nothing but two cells Pregnancy too hard to take without a nip of whiskey, and a tobacco buzz Insulted with things out of my control Bummer I wear glasses but I can see the horrors much better than you That make you oblivious to the existence of suffering Because equality is oblivion If you believe that I am the same as you, you are a liar I have a mental handicap because I was persuaded and conditioned that I was worthless Am I or are you just insecure? Because when you touch my wounds with the intent to cause pain What are you going to gain? Satisfaction in overreaction? I will never hesitate to liberate those in chains like me Because I know that a free society is the key To this complicated lock of civilization
Ragedy Anne
Cut up I have a Seam ripper Ripping me apart From the inside out Take me apart As I am a ragdoll Dangling from my strings You will cut every string until I dangle just a head A lifeless head to see the misery But paralyzed so that I can’t do anything I can’t do anything I can’t do anything Why can’t I do anything Shatter the babydoll mask that covers my demonic face So at least you can see the truth That I am no babydoll If I had arms I would have ripped it off years ago A lie that I fed even myself They cut off my arms because I beat myself up And we all know that wasn’t a fair fight They cut off my legs because I tried to run away They took my stomach because I was cruel to it They left my head so I could see what I have done
Led Lungs of a Machine
Led lungs of a machine Stealing purity and breathing out toxins for others to clean up Poisoned further with cigarette smoke which dances it’s way up to heaven for the angels to choke on Is it really worth the trouble to breathe Inconveniencing others with what we are born to do Because the one thing we all share is our addictive greedy air intake I am different I am a mess Toxic smoke to make me choke for a moment Tar leaking into my bloodstream Making me interesting It takes cancer to be interesting Illusive popularity Making me a mess That nobody can clean up My pain can’t be removed with a makeup wipe I am no miss Brightside Because it’s hard to see the sunshine in a place with only synthetic flickering hospital lights Medicated sadness I hold the right to unhappiness To madness So why the hell am I still breathing in this toxicity
Maze
Brains have many cracks and crevices Forming lines to get lost in My head is a maze filled with bear traps Few stagger through and all turn away My hedges unkept, grasping at skeletons from the fallen and devouring them in an attempt to hide the mess Hurricanes and tornadoes destroying the flowers of the past Dead roses quietly kissing the ground, their remnants memories of summer days Summer days were easier than that of frost biting my eyelids asking them to shut forever But that’s the easy way out because, Darkness is easier than light For darkness can consume us without a word Whereas light shines on our imperfections and gives us the choice to flip the switch and be blind ...or to change into a source and shine light unto others
Today
Today something died But do you care? Nope Because we just don’t matter that much
When I drowned my past in a river of uncertainty Nobody came running They just walked to the funeral
Forced emotion for attention Painful to those few who really care, Darling I really care Life is for everyone lucky enough to receive it Hold my cold hand and let me steal your warmth The warmth that I had before I drowned Shaking blue fingers Trying to grasp at what’s left to
Hold on too What’s left to hold on too The rope I am casting you The rope of sunny days and a future we can’t see A beautiful future
Misery Buisness
Misery kisses like a stripper Tries to hold you in with her fish hook tongue Psychological addiction Misery loves company We have an open relationship Promiscuous Latches your cheek with barbed wire of lust Kiss me again Make me feel the hurt Giving me a bullet proof vest that won’t let the happy in With handcuffs so that I can’t embrace myself when I fall apart Duct tape over my mouth that comes off only when you spit your poison down my throat And a cigarette between my crooked teeth shivering in tune with my empty sobs It doesn’t matter who you are she will take you the moment you see the promise in her eyes There's so many fish in the sea that can eat plastic and get caught in her net Catch me Sell me to a butcher Send me to a pet store Throw me into a plastic bag and dump me into a one way glass bowl Until I finally drown in the very substance that has kept me alive Belly up Flush me away and you forget my name Replace me without a word Because there are endless fish in the sea
piscisphobia
I’m scared of fish Mostly because they disgust me But also because I am terrified I live the same life In a fishbowl With one way glass Never alone but when you are physically separated from the world life is always lonely Ignored until I do something interesting And that interesting is usually wrong Drowning in the very thing that keeps me alive All of my friends flushed down the toilet until I’m alone All alone I Inhale into the filter until I taste tobacco We are god to any fish We make food appear from the sky We give them a castle We never replace them Clean water for them to breathe But to god I’m his fish Why won’t he feed me Why won’t he send me a friend Why does he replace me as soon as I mess up Why won’t he give me a castle All I have is murky water One way glass Bubbles of smoke drifting towards the top of the bowl Goldfish Made of fool’s gold Don’t put your faith in fish Fish will give away your secrets Sirens luring us into the water Telling us to breathe in Filling our lungs with their sweet sugar water Humans are sirens pulling fish up into our atmosphere till they drown in air I am terrified of being a human I’m mortified of being a fish
Mirage
Happiness is elusive I can’t seem to find it An oasis in the desert It is a mirage I’m only met with boiling misery in the sand If the animals that surround me can find it than why can’t I? I can’t run with the local herd For the local herd is coyotes And I am but a cat Roaming through the hills Trying to be a coyote but getting ripped apart when I do so Nursing heavy emotional wounds With 40 proof whiskey During the day too warm I can’t stand the heat During the night too cold for me to be alone Goddamn it why does education separate the odd ones out to be alone The only safety I find is far away But I can’t get far enough away in 8 hours on foot I’m not a night traveler I’m a night psycho With sleepy drug use and induced comas Why must sleep be the only escape from hell Why must you put me in hell Sitting, choking on my tears I’m just not what you want me to be